NaBloPoMo Day 12: How-To

Google is my homepage. That sounds disturbingly like "God is my co-pilot," which makes me think of the bumpersticker I saw the other day on the Beltway that said "Dog is my co-pilot," which makes me chortle. But Google is my homepage, and at the top of it, there's a daily "How-To" box, which I love. How to think like Leonardo DaVinci. How to roll a Center-Pull ball of yarn. How to compost kitchen scraps. Awesome, no?

Part of the reason that I love them is because I like to think about how I might do some of these things before I actually read the How-To's. For example: today's says "How to Conquer your Fear of Karaoke, Once and For All."

I am not afraid of karaoke, per se. I just figure that I make a total jackass of myself on average three times a week, so why would I willingly up that average by singing? My uncle Lonnie, who I am deeply crazy about, once wrote the following poem, after my one and only piano recital:

"Mary played on the white notes,
Molly played on the black.
Fred the kitty covered his ears
While Granny sang in the cracks."

Suffice it to say that it was an accurate summation of my family's musical abilities. So I just say no to karaoke. As if karaoke isn't socially awkward enough most of the time without putting me into the mix?

So for you, I'd like to offer my own "How-To" in regards to conquering karaoke:

Here is the original. I would just like to note that in the "related" How-To's, they've included "How To Break a Glass With Your Voice." Yes, exactly.

Here is mine.

1. Begin drinking. Start with tequila.
2. Choose your friends carefully. I recommend the friends who have a low tolerance for alcohol and no shame. You will look good in comparison.
2. Choose a song you know well, and a short one. I suggest "My Bologna has a First Name."
3. Tip the karaoke hostess to lose your name.
4. If all elese fails, try everything you can to go right after this guy:



I'm not sure what song that used to be, but you can only look impressive next to him.

5. Drink enough that you will forget what happens by morning.
6. Don't go home with anyone. You will certainly regret that more than anything you could possibly sing.