Thursday Thirteen Jobs I Would Have Had

I know a secret. So there.

I don't have any news on how the inspection went yesterday, because there wasn't an inspection. This is a long and stupid story that I don't have the time or the interest to tell at the moment, but after the inspection (that didn't happen) I went to Sam's Club, and as I was leaving Sam's Club, I got a phone call from a person. That phone call was about a phone call that that person got, and it was good news. Great news, even. This is all a big secret right now, and it's not my secret to tell, but I am happy beyond all comprehension for this person and virtually bubbling over with the news. So, whoever-you-are, let me extend my deepest, most heartfelt public WHOO-HOOOO!!!! on your behalf.

When I was in fourth grade, I wanted to be an actress when I grew up, even though I am not particularly talented in any marketable way. At various other times, I considered other careers, but the only thing I was ever really good at was writing, and so I became a writer. If I hadn't been a writer, here are 13 other things I might have done.

1. Photographer. I started college as a photojournalism student. I would never have made a good photojournalist, because I am fundamentally sort of lazy and lack the technical skills that would make me a good photographer. But I did like the sloshing around in the photo lab and the high of having photos published.

2. Professional athlete. I skied competitively in high school, and considered it as a career option. Unfortunately, I am not all that athletic and I had a tendency to hurt myself a lot.

3. Lawyer. I have a lot of righteous indignation, and one would think that would make people a good lawyer, and probably it does, in part, but that was about as interested as I could force myself to be in a law career.

4. Ski instructor. See number two. It's a great way to spend a winter, but it doesn't pay that well and it's most often coupled with some other occupation, like bartender or phone sex operator, so as to be able to afford to live in a ski resort town.

5. Pastry chef. They have the cushiest job in a restaurant. They come in in the morning, bake a lot of profiteroles and pipe them full of creme anglaise, and leave before the kitchen becomes a teeming hellhole by 4 p.m.

6. Personal chef. This is a really swell gig. A client calls you up, fills out a survey of likes, dislikes, needs, etc., then you come up with a menu, go to their house with groceries and other implements of kitchen destruction, cook their meals, and store in the individual portions. You work when you want to and people with no time to cook get healthy, home-prepared food. Awesome.

7. Bartender. Like Kimberly, I like the idea of someone telling me all their problems while we drink tequila. If therapy were like that, I'd totally be on board.

8. Diabetic educator. I considered this career after I was diagnosed with diabetes at 25. Then I found out that diabetic educators are nurses, and...I'm not so much with the science.

9. Mobility instructor. In college, people used to ask me how Kimberly got around, and in my annoyance at not actually being paid as her official spokesperson, I liked to tell them, "She walks, mostly." The actual answer to this question is that there are people called mobility instructors who help people learn how to get from one place to another. I firmly believe that if my mother had a mobility instructor, she would not give such sucky directions. Western Michigan University, in Kalamazoo, where I'm from, has one of the only graduate programs for mobility instruction in the country.

10. Technical writer. They are extremely well-paid.

11. Architect. I don't think that I realized how much math was involved.

12. Domestic violence counselor. This was how my righteous indignation translated once I realized that I couldn't be a lawyer without going to law school. I quickly became quite discouraged with the fact that many people who go looking for help from a domestic violence counselor are not looking for the kind of help that a domestic violence counselor can provide.

13. Writer. I am blown away by the fact that I can do what I do for a living. I feel like I'm getting away with something every day that I get to do this. I feel like I'm getting better at what I do all the time, and helping people sort of at the same time. That's quite an endorsement for my line of work, isn't it? "Helping people sort of."

Kimberly and Trina have Thursday Thirteen's up too. Read.