Friday, January 9, 2009

Dear Anthony Bourdain: Will You Marry Me?

I once had a conversation via email with Goon Squad Sarah about Anthony Bourdain, about how he was like that guy in high school that you got totally drunk at a party with once and made out with a little, and who then broke your teenage heart when he didn't talk to you the next day in school, and then broke it again when your best friend marched up to him (he was smoking behind the baseball dugout) and asked him why he never called you, and he said that he didn't know your name, and then he hit on your friend. Sarah and I realized that we had actually known the same guys in high school, despite the fact that I grew up in Michigan and she grew up in Florida.

Lord love a duck, I am so hot for Anthony Bourdain. He is beautiful, has an incredibly sexy voice, has Distinguished Silver hair, and can cook like an unmitigated motherfucker. He does eat some of the most disgusting bits of the most disgusting animals I have ever seen in my entire life and I really disagree with him about Hung from Top Chef, but he is hot enough that I don't care. Witness:


Hi Tony. That's a nice...bone. And when I say bone, I mean...you know, bone.

Maybe one of the ten thousand reasons that I love him is the interview I just read with him, in which he says the following about Sandra Lee. You know, Sandra Lee from "Semi-Homemade With Sandra Lee", also known as "The Coming Apocalypse Starring The Food Network?"

On Sandra Lee: “Charles Manson and Betty Crocker’s love child. She gets that
glassy Squeaky Fromme look when she’s talking about her tablescapes. I want to
call security.”


The rest of the interview (which took place in Washington D.C.) can be found right here. We ran into him at Eastern Market when he was in town--this was quite a while ago now, but I did what I typically do when confronted with a famous stranger, which is to stare like I'm suffering from brain damage as he nods politely at me. I am smooth, I tell you.

4 comments:

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I still love him and I am still mad at that dickwad who doesn't know my name.

We would have totally fought over the tall skinny burnouts.

sarah said...

I totally made out with that guy in 8th grade, too. What a dick.

Anthony Bourdain is delicious (and ohdeargod, that picture!!!)

Treen said...

I don't really feel you on the Anthony Bourdain thing, I see it, but I just don't feel it. Unfortunately I am finding myself with a serious crush on Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer. I am pretty sure he uses the same "be submissive" techniqures on his wife, but that's ok.

Jeremy Piven is the "make out with and never acknowledge you again" guy for me.

Tear & Scream Photography said...

im already plotting my attack on him
he just dosent know yet he loves me
just saying the truth

ill be miss bourdain by the end of the year